Blog!

  • Friday, June 27, 2008

    Poverty.

    3:47pm, June 27th.

    Washington Mutual bank; 5th Ave and 14th St. Brooklyn, New York.

    I place a grocery bag worth of collected loose change on the counter.

    Me: “I have cash to deposit too, but I’m sure you have to count this first.”

    Cashier person: “We don’t count this.”

    Me: “What? You’re a bank.”

    Cashier person: “You have to put it in rolls.”

    Me: “What!? That’s ludicrous.”

    Cashier person: “We don’t count it.”

    Me: “Where the hell am I supposed to get rolls?”

    Cashier person: “You buy them here.”

    Me: “So I am supposed to pay to give you money?” (pause) “You are a bank, right?”

    Cashier person: (growing sick of my attitude) “Yes, we are a bank.”

    Me: “But I am supposed to BUY rolls from you, and put fifteen pounds of loose change into them? You don’t just have a machine that counts it? That seems odd.”

    Cashier person: “We do, but it’s not for customers.”

    Me: “That’s unbelievable. That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ll be writing a letter about this.”

    *awkward moment

    Cashier person: (to line of people watching this) “Next.”



    Being poor is awful.

    No comments so far. Add one »

  • Friday, June 13, 2008

    The Winner.

    This is my favorite thing I’ve ever seen. Absolutely. It’s incredible on so many levels, and I just want to share it with you. Note: it starts off a little slow, but just wait it out. The. Best. Thing. Ever.







    Watch it again. I just can’t help myself.

    I don’t know what it is that makes me so happy.
    ...it’s not because it’s a midget in a horrible special effects costume… it’s not because the guy is more effeminate in four minutes than I’ll ever be in my lifetime… it’s not because of the ridiculous “baby fetus” prop… it’s not because it’s actually a cruel, cruel show… it’s not because he said he saw “a demon” and believed it… it’s not because that’s a version of everyone’s worst nightmare…it’s not because of the “bad energy” he felt or because he suggested they bring back “guns and mace”...it’s not because the sound effects- like the extra shots- are so perfectly melodramatic and added much later to the clip in order to drag the viewer in… it’s not because at the end, he says, “I really do work for PETA” as the midget slaps the dust off his hands… and it’s not because even though he acted like he had fun and it was a cool prank, you know he NEVER talked to that friend ever again.

    It’s because, as a package, it’s the most incredibly funny thing that I may have ever seen. I think.


    Now watch the runner up:








    I would have sooo known about this already if I had cable. Damn you, poverty!

    No comments so far. Add one »

  • Sunday, June 8, 2008

    Hell or something like it.

    It’s 8:31 in the morning, and it’s 85 degrees outside.

    Here’s something you may not know about New York: there is no spring here. The city of New York jumps from what is one of the most long, miserable winters to one of the most long, miserable summers you’ve ever experienced. Except it’s not summer, it’s hell. Hot, flaming hell.

    People find out I’m from Chicago and ninety percent of the time respond with, “Isn’t it just freezing there?” Sure, buddy. It’s “freezing.” I nod my head to avoid the argument I am more than willing to start because the truth is much different. Chicago is not much colder than New York, and it lacks that extra NY humidity that chills you to your bones. The humidity that exists because NY is next to an ocean and it pours rain here like some kind of urban rainforest that unfortunately isn’t being threatened to be cut down by any logging industry any time soon. The same humidity that kicks my natural instincts to fight for survival in when the subway platform reaches a stifling 102 degrees, the trains become mysteriously more sluggish, and some baby is making a sound that cannot be described other than it is the devil’s spawn itself. It’s as if my furious gaze has begun some kind of transformation for the ruler of hell to turn into its true form in its nine hundred dollar, four wheeling space stroller. I am ready to fight the demon seed baby in this urine coated, mini version of hell; I am.
    So no, it’s not better than Chicago’s weather in New York. I’m driven to talk about fighting babies for chrissake.

    This is a city that gets so hot, you have to plan to plant yourself in front of your window AC unit, take part in this country’s disgusting overuse of energy, and just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy that cold air in order to get through some days. A summer where you are forced to relinquish any hope of looking attractive; as sweat soaks through your lightest clothing, pours down your face and pools at your feet, victorious in its destruction of your ego. A place where conversation is dominated- no, fully comprised- of people discussing its heat until its bitter cold returns and takes over its nasty conversational throne. And we are left to endure its reign just as we pay its costly rent, wait in its overrated lines, and surrender to its domination of the masses. Because after all, this is New York City. If you can’t make it here, you can’t make it anywhere. Except for hell, which is quite similar in more than just its climate.

    It’s now 8:43 am, and it’s 87 degrees.

    I’ll be in front of my air conditioner.

    No comments so far. Add one »

  • Sunday, June 1, 2008

    MILK ‘08!

    Hello friends!

    BOY, have I got a special treat for you!

    …By means of a person who is more than horrified to have been sent to this site (for reasons I cannot explain at this very moment,) I give you Cleveland’s KISS FM’s latest and greatest contest: MILK 2008!

    For those of you uninformed, that’s Cleveland’s “Mother’s I’d Like to Kiss” contest. Let me repeat.

    That’s Cleveland’s “Mother’s I’d Like to Kiss” contest.

    Cleveland’s.
    “Mother’s I’d Like to Kiss.”
    Cleveland’s.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. Cleveland’s a great town, and I love some people very dearly that came from it’s beer bellied bosom. Hell, I love anything Midwestern!

    But I’m not sure I love what I witnessed on above said site upon browsing their “MILK” contestants last evening.

    Just go, and enjoy.

    And if you want a preview, please, please, take a deep breath and soak up some of Cleveland’s best below.







    DRUMROLL PLEASE…..
    And the winner is (by my standards)...









    I don’t even know what to say. If you need me, I’ll be rocking in a corner talking to myself, praying to God my mother never, ever, ever, ever does something like this.

    Ever.
    Ever.


    ...ever.

    1 comment so far. Add one »