Monday, July 28, 2008

best nightmare.

This guy^ I dated for three whole days came up with this hilarious concept of “best nightmare.”

“Am I your best nightmare?” he’d ask, and I would laugh. He kind of was.

Best nightmares, of course, being the opposite of worst ones. Best nightmares being scary, yet fun. You wake up from one and first feel frightened, but then you laugh it off because, after all, it wasn’t that bad. It is the best type of nightmare.

Recently I’ve begun to actually have a reoccurring nightmare, and I’m starting to think that it is, in fact, my best nightmare to date.

I am in Times Square, and everyone is foreign and taking pictures. I can’t find the subway. Out of nowhere, the pregnant man from Oprah and People magazine starts chasing me, screaming, “You’re next! You’re next!” and pointing to his man-baby belly while shoving handfuls of raw ground round into his face. He desperately wants to hug me and continues to chase me. He chases me into the suburbs and the only way I can escape is to hop into a waiting minivan full of screaming children and drive to a church where they are first marrying, then forcing the couples sing karaoke in front of the congregation. The couple in front of me is my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, and she turns to see me and pulls out a knife. The pregnant man then catches up and before the new girlfriend can stab me, she stabs the pregnant man right in his miracle man-baby.

Then I wake up in Brooklyn, by my awesome dog who is adorable, and breathe a big sigh of relief. Except I still may be worried about the new girlfriend stabbing me; that is kind of a real fear. She hates me pretty bad, as I am to understand.

I would rate that best for nightmares; I don’t know about you. But that’s pretty jam packed with subconscious meaning that’s both frightening AND hilarious. You’re welcome.

I kind of miss my 3 day boyfriend and his silly concepts. But I guess I don’t miss our silly “early indicators that this relationship isn’t going to work” either.

Too bad. He was one of the funniest.

(^concept by “Zach” who I no longer talk to, but credit given where it is due. Which really isn’t credit because I’m calling him Zach, but he should have been named Zach because it fit him better than his real name. So I’m actually doing him a favor.