Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Shitstorm!

I woke up his morning thinking that today was going to be like every other day.

I got out of bed, brushed my teethies, and then took the dog downstairs for a walk. Before we headed out, I realized I forgot a turd bag and popped inside real quick to grab one.

In the time it took to get back outside, a 15 foot tree branch had broken off the tree in front of my building smashing a car, setting off all kinds of car alarms and landing in the middle of the street where it blocked all traffic. A line of cars quickly backed up and began honking their horns. After hazily staring at the hot mess in front of me for a couple minutes, I began walking the dog towards the little coffee shop in my neighborhood for my morning coffee and bagel. I tied up Jones right outside the shop, as per usual, and headed inside to order.

In the three minutes it took to complete this transaction, I returned outside to find a man, outside of his car, screaming at another man who had hit him with the school bus he was driving full of disabled children. I sucked down some caffeine in a vain attempt to awake myself from this odd dream, but to no avail. It was real. And as I slowly ambled away from the second hot mess I had witnessed in twenty minutes, I prepared myself for a day full of mishaps and utter disaster.

Because, obviously, one observes two events like this in a row and naturally- logically- prepares for more. I was the actor in the movie, and some cosmic director was watching me from above, cueing repeated bizarre events like clockwork. Movie’s a hit, director’s a genius, and the actor a comedic goldmine. I was ready for it.

But that was all I got. Just those two things. One, two, nothing.

I spent my day looking like a batty batty coo coo; looking around for things to fall, explode, start on fire… and got nothing. And what, may I ask, is that for a day? When my day starts out shitty, I want a real shitstorm of a day. I don’t want things to get better, I want things to get worse. Much worse. Because then, when the passing bus on the corner of Broadway and Houston splashes you after the bottoms of your grocery bags fall out, your boyfriend dumps you, and you lose your job, it’s hilarious. Ha ha, look at me, Silly McGoeswrong. It’s just “one of those days.”

I was ready for “one of those days,” and I barely got anything. I even shrugged at Jones at one point. He understood, and he was also disappointed in the rest of the day.

Ah well, at least I had a hell of a twenty minutes.
I guess you can’t really beat a bus-full of disabled children. (They are all unharmed by the way. Because if they were, and THEN nothing happened afterwards, I would really be upset.)

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